Best of Decade: Intro…
A Decade-End Roast.
Part 1: Imagine this, a decade end dinner party where I invite all of my fake facebook friends, some naughty clients & people with vowels on the end of their last names who think I’m foolishly related to them.
Well well well. Here we are. Another decade in the dumpster. This marks the first in a series of ‘best of decade’ thoughts I’ve accumulated to share with anyone that cares. The origin of this piece began as a roast to all my fake facebook friends. It received many comments, alienated a few people who like to call me their friend, and made some new friends, mainly women desperate and daring enough to try and figure me out. As if warning them ahead of time with best of words and thoughts wasn’t enough. Some may call it humor, but it’s serious.
In any random order this decade was the best. Top notch, supreme, successful for everyone, the economy, our leaders, all top notch comedians. What made it so unforgettable? Bacon, popcorn, Sadie, me, commas & everyone else. Their stories & what not, steady weight gain & steady weight lost, marriage, divorce, recession, independence, forgiveness and laughs at all of our expense finally.
ABOVE: Sadie, a best of decade finalist.
What has all this decade stuff done for me? Let’s toss a log on the fire called a shittier attitude than ever. Sure, I earned it. A misdiagnosis on MS that caused my ability to get no insurance from 2004-2006 a waste of time. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois denied me coverage for having MS, which I don’t. At one point Michael Moore’s production team did contact me about my case for “Sicko.” It didn’t make the final cut on his documentary about the a’Merican health system but I signed off regardless knowing it was too real and too funny in that ‘you gotta be kidding me, I DON’T HAVE MS’ way.
I’m working harder than ever but everyone I know is (maybe) smarter than just about everyone else I know or they lie better? Que? As the decade came to a close I know I’m the smartest because most of you told me so, thanks and yawn. You also had the balls to call me crazy too but couldn’t take it when I called you “normal” in return. If you’re gonna dish it to me carefully, get ready to have the dish thrown back like a f*cking frisbee to your forehead. The right way with no guessing. Nothing like earning far less than I could ever dream of because I still live in Rockford, IL. What an awesome decade.
I started the decade looking at 30, now it’s 40. Nothing has changed really, same weight, same awesome hair, same kind of gals with different names like me, yawn. Still carded every time unless the person knows me or one of the 1,482 idiots I’m related to that dare call me family, blood or has mistaken me for ‘Dan’ or ‘Frank.’ I never tell them it’s ‘Dave.’ That’s the secret to aging gracefully and protecting one ounce of your character living in the armpit of a’Merica known as my hometown, Rockford, IL
Alright, as the recession is still gong on, I’ve got nothing but time. Let’s get to the VERY best of the decade shall we for making noise and making art? Yes.
The next few weeks will feature a continuation of this article divided into pieces for everlasting taste.
Domestic People
Drunk irish folk songs
Milfs
Nice gals without drinking problems
Babies
The Catholic Church
Musicians
The State of Rock n’ Roll
Designers
Bailouts, conservatives and deleting lifelong friends
Speaking of Garbage
Rockford
Done making dreams, now making Drunks
Pillow vs. People
Plus many more… and then a summary, outro and comments.
