Uh oh, Greg Maddux finally replied to my letter to him.
A burial grounds for boyhood dreams.
A never empty respirator for hope.
An empty keg for drunks.
Wrigley Field.
I wrote the Hall of Fame legend about 3 years ago to ask him a few questions about litter, baseball, and a’Merica. This is the reply below I’ve been waiting for from the great Atlanta Braves & Dodgers pitcher.
____
“Dear Dave,
You asked me about curve balls and litter. Good question young lad. Do you enjoy cigars? Here, have one but stay away from Pink floyd or the subtle reference. They’re not that great.
I’ll get to curve balls in a second. I fall asleep each night wondering when he’s going to litter. If he’s alone and not with friends or if they decided those 24 cans of Icehouse were a good thing to enjoy on my property. In this case, a knuckleball is being called– wave it off and play smart. The piss in the can was sure enough to knock one of them out.
I’m a veteran baseball player just like Nolan ‘No-Hit’ Ryan was but much slower, smarter, endowed- obviously. Do you know how many times I’ve adjusted myself on purpose knowing national TV is watching? Laughs on me America, here’s my hand to my nuts and adjust. Having now said that, I threw my fastball already and it breezed right by him. Even the crowd missed it somehow drinking their 6th beer in the 5th inning. That’s to be expected as they’re only there for the party anyway. Blind f*ckers never catch a scuff if I need to throw one, they’re too drunk to care- that’s baseball 101 basically for all veteran pitchers.
Missing on a strike 3 it should have been an out. However, the catcher missed it too so he ran to first base like luck would have it. A*shole, sure, but that’s baseball, not all his fault, the catcher failed his part, regroup, calm down, wait for luck to hook up with karma cause that’s what baseball is really about.
NOTE: At any moment it can all fall apart. Game 6, 2003, 8th inning, 5 outs away from somethin special the baseball purists would say. My old organization got it good when lady luck and cahcah karma hooked for a historical f*ckfest. Ha, cub fans are foolish f*ckers not the losers or the lovable they proclaim- they’re self-defeated drunks basically. Thank you Moises, thank you Steve, but thank the coach mainly for being mathematically inadequate with pitchers and pitch count and having any sort of intuition. Thank you Dusty, you are like a’Merica my friend, mathematically inadequate just like 2000 and 2004.
What goes around sure did spin like demon seed spirits on the hunt for the ghost and the egg that night in Chicago, IL. “Hell yeah!”…. Dave, I yelled- I NEVER YELL, I’m Greg ‘easy on the eyes and watch me move slow’ Maddux afterall. Watching the Cub faithfuls on TV pee their pants to flood the field and cheering on my old organization to failure was better than all my Cy Youngs and the 1995 World Series ring.
Back to baseball; he advanced to 2nd on a walk, I got lazy. Pushing his luck, he foolishly tried to steal home from 2nd. Stupid f*cker must’ve forgotten there’s rules when you get to the majors right out of high school. Now me? I’m just wondering what happened, there’s a job to finish. Have to play smart and the not quite caught off guard Ump whispers, “um, you’re an idiot. you’re out.” I’m half dead anyway, step off the mound and call the coach, teams do have relief.
To answer your other question you had about becoming an ex-patriot, It’s never too late to be a Cardinals fan, so yes. Do as your grandfather advised jokingly on that 1984 bus ride to hell known as Wrigley Field he put you through. 1 Cardinal fan, he, and 40 Cub fans. I’m sure you know by now he was really dead serious. Who had the last laugh that day you mentioned on the bus ride home? That’s right, your grandfather was a genius.
Smart baseball is like life Dave. It really is.
Sincerely,
Greg Maddux.”
“Always remember, smart baseball is like life, avoid the knuckleballers and curveballs and have a ball instead, it’s on me.” Greg ‘Not So Fast’ Maddux
“Dear Dave,
You asked me about curve balls and litter. Good question young lad. Do you enjoy cigars? Here, have one but stay away from Pink floyd or the subtle reference. They’re not that great.
I’ll get to curve balls in a second. I fall asleep each night wondering when he’s going to litter. If he’s alone and not with friends or if they decided those 24 cans of Icehouse were a good thing to enjoy on my property. In this case, a knuckleball is being called– wave it off and play smart. The piss in the can was sure enough to knock one of them out.
I’m a veteran baseball player just like Nolan ‘No-Hit’ Ryan was but much slower, smarter, endowed- obviously. Do you know how many times I’ve adjusted myself on purpose knowing national TV is watching? Laughs on me America, here’s my hand to my nuts and adjust. Having now said that, I threw my fastball already and it breezed right by him. Even the crowd missed it somehow drinking their 6th beer in the 5th inning. That’s to be expected as they’re only there for the party anyway. Blind f*ckers never catch a scuff if I need to throw one, they’re too drunk to care- that’s baseball 101 basically for all veteran pitchers.
Missing on a strike 3 it should have been an out. However, the catcher missed it too so he ran to first base like luck would have it. A*shole, sure, but that’s baseball, not all his fault, the catcher failed his part, regroup, calm down, wait for luck to hook up with karma cause that’s what baseball is really about.
NOTE: At any moment it can all fall apart. Game 6, 2003, 8th inning, 5 outs away from somethin special the baseball purists would say. My old organization got it good when lady luck and cahcah karma hooked for a historical f*ckfest. Ha, cub fans are foolish f*ckers not the losers or the lovable they proclaim- they’re self-defeated drunks basically. Thank you Moises, thank you Steve, but thank the coach mainly for being mathematically inadequate with pitchers and pitch count and having any sort of intuition. Thank you Dusty, you are like a’Merica my friend, mathematically inadequate just like 2000 and 2004.
What goes around sure did spin like demon seed spirits on the hunt for the ghost and the egg that night in Chicago, IL. “Hell yeah!”…. Dave, I yelled- I NEVER YELL, I’m Greg ‘easy on the eyes and watch me move slow’ Maddux afterall. Watching the Cub faithfuls on TV pee their pants to flood the field and cheering on my old organization to failure was better than all my Cy Youngs and the 1995 World Series ring.
Back to baseball; he advanced to 2nd on a walk, I got lazy. Pushing his luck, he foolishly tried to steal home from 2nd. Stupid f*cker must’ve forgotten there’s rules when you get to the majors right out of high school. Now me? I’m just wondering what happened, there’s a job to finish. Have to play smart and the not quite caught off guard Ump whispers, “um, you’re an idiot. you’re out.” I’m half dead anyway, step off the mound and call the coach, teams do have relief.
To answer your other question you had about becoming an ex-patriot, It’s never too late to be a Cardinals fan, so yes. Do as your grandfather advised jokingly on that 1984 bus ride to hell known as Wrigley Field he put you through. 1 Cardinal fan, he, and 40 Cub fans. I’m sure you know by now he was really dead serious. Who had the last laugh that day you mentioned on the bus ride home? That’s right, your grandfather was a genius.
Smart baseball is like life Dave. It really is.
Sincerely,
Greg Maddux.”
“Always remember, smart baseball is like life, avoid the knuckleballers and curveballs and have a ball instead, it’s on me.” Greg ‘Not So Fast’ Maddux
